Why Bother?

For the last year and a half, I've reconsidered not moving to Colorado. Almost as soon as I informed them I wouldn't be joining them for my planned internship, I wanted to call them back and pretend it had all been a joke. I knew God was leading me to stay, but I was bitter at Him for keeping me in the tri-valley area, especially after everything I felt like He'd dragged me through. I'd spent my summer preparing myself to be on my own, and had already thought through how I would reestablish myself in this place where no one knew anything about me except what I told them. I was mad at His timing and for allowing other issues to seemingly motivate my staying. All I wanted was the freedom to establish myself in Him and in ministry apart from my ties here. I've wondered countless times if I really did hear His voice. Granted, I'm really good by now at the presentation of the story where God told me His will, I followed it, and everything worked out perfectly, but honestly it's so far from the truth I feel like I'm lying each time I tell it. But what if I was wrong? It rarely ever happens (wink, wink) but there's always an exception to the rule, right?

Then again, I think I'd rather be here wondering if I misheard than have heard correctly and ignore it completely. Lately I've been thinking a lot about Jonah. I've blogged about him before, and I'll probably do it again because I'm pretty sure we're so similar it's scary. A large part of why I've been thinking about him lately relates back to following God's will when we're confronted with it. What if I had actually heard God's voice and had chosen to act in opposition to that? I'm struggling to even think of what good could have come, which is probably a good thing. Jonah had no clue of what was coming his way when God commanded him to go to Nineveh and he chose a safer, easier path. He had no idea it would land him in the belly of a fish. Where would it have landed me?

How often do we all make little decisions knowing they are in opposition to God's will? We know what He wants for us or what He has for us, but it seems so foolish or impossible so we attempt to find happiness our own way. For years people have thought me a fool for some of my convictions. I've seen visions that cause reactions that make others think I'm crazy. I've heard things I'd never believe coming from the mouth of others. I know that what He has convicted me of is true. I'm just tired of waiting for others who claim the same things while they act like it's never happened and it's insignificant. Maybe this is another time of learning patience. Pretty much sure God's never going to let me off the hook with that one.