Not Good Enough

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you’re not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any jobs; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don’t take it personally when they say 'no'—they may not be smart enough to say 'yes'."

--Keith Olbermann

For as long as I can remember, my mother would compare me to anyone or anything she could.  I would become frustrated and angry, but she relentlessly continued to the point of it affecting our relationship so deeply that we are not currently in communication.  I realized that until I either (a) no longer needed comparison to feel like a valid and worthy human being, or (b) could compare myself to the One worth the comparison that it would continue to tear me apart to hear her comments.  Guess what.  The old comments are still doing a mightily fine job of tearing me apart.

The quote at the top was on my coffee cup a few months ago, and it now resides on the bulletin board above my bed as a constant reminder.  I'm desperately afraid that I won't be good enough to pursue my dreams.  I'm afraid someone will find a flaw in me so great that they can't love me.  I'm afraid the schools will find a hole in my resume or I'll be too cliche, or even worse, simply not up to their standard.  I'm afraid that if I can't find the perfect Christmas gifts or know the right thing to say at the right time, the families that have so graciously taken me in as their own will suddenly treat me the way my own does, as an outcast who's simply not good enough.  Thankfully, each and every time I spiral down the path of destruction, I'm reminded that my acceptance into a school doesn't change who I am.  It doesn't change the way my Father looks at me.  It doesn't change the truth of the love I'm here to share.  And He knows that in those moments I'm struggling to find who He is as I try to find myself in Him.