Apologies

For the past few years I've been rather free in sharing my frustration with a few friends, who once they started classes managed to no longer pick up the phone, respond to e-mail or in other ways communicate. If you were one I gave a hard time, I owe you my most sincere apologies, so here goes. Sorry! I now understand your point of view. It takes me days to respond to text messages that involve more than 3 words. I don't use e-mail other than to find out answers to problem set questions I simply cannot solve, and 30-second voicemails take 30 seconds I'm not ready to sacrifice. I'd rather leave the growing number circled in red on my handy dandy new phone.

When I enrolled in classes for this fall quarter I knew I was setting myself up for a challege. Quite a few wise souls gently (and not so gently) warned me against what I had done, and I arrogantly proclaimed that I'd never met a challenge I couldn't beat. Ha. While that last statement may still be true, I definately should have listened. Now, instead of having weekly phone dates with friends far away and unpacking boxes with friends closeby, I'm a slave to flashcards and highlighters. My weekends have become consumed with study groups, library visits and running as many errands at midnight as I possibly can as to avoid crowds. Sleep is a luxury, and the average number of times I hit snooze in a morning between two alarm clocks and my phone is 8.  I knew my commitment would take over my life, I just had no idea what that would actually look like.  I've tried to maneuver a schedule in which I could take fewer classes (mostly failed), work one job (failed) or not work at all (totally failed).  I've tried micromanaging my time so that every minute is planned, but as soon as I get hungry my plan is foiled. (PS, I'm blogging while at work as to not waste precious seconds of studying time.  Pathetic, I know.)

I keep telling myself that this will be worth it in the end (because I know it will be), but the voice in the back of my head keeps whispering that there are better, more kingdom-serving things I should be doing.  I want to be volunteering with HSM, but by the time I get to Wednesday nights I'm pretty much useless.  Sunday mornings have become my one morning to catch up on sleep, meaning church sometimes becomes an afterthought.  What happened to the point in life where everything was focused around directly serving others?  All this studying is indirectly serving, but something still seems off.

Sooner or later this phase will come to an end, right?  The homework will cease, the midterms will disappear, and the fog will part on my future.  Oh, I wish it was that simple!