My life is full right now. So full, in fact, that I went to bed before midnight for the first time in three weeks last night, but that was mostly because I couldn't bring myself to turn one more page or create one more flashcard. I started my quarter of crazy on September 23, and as you can most likely discern from the lack of postings here, I've been quite busy. Some Thursdays I drive from one work to school before working again at night. I haven't had a day completely off since the beginning of September, and photographs of me without a can of Coke or cup of coffee in my hand simply no longer exist.
Yesterday I had one of my first midterms of the quarter. It didn't go quite as well as expected. I spent the majority of the week before as well as the entire weekend studying to no avail. When I semi-confidently waltzed into my testing period, I knew I wouldn't be getting the best grade in the class but I figured I would at least feel confident walking out. Not so much. As I turned from one page to the next I felt my heart sinking. Total questions I knew the answers to: 5. Total possible questions: 50. My heart sank. Between the stress of my chaotic schedule and the pressure I've put on myself knowing I need to succeed at this, I was in tears by the time I trudged out of the classroom. This midterm was in a class I've taken before and therefore should have aced.
As I got into my car I managed to spill strawberry smoothie onto my floormat. Attempting to clean it up, I placed the mostly full smoothie on my center console so it wouldn't spill. Too bad I forgot I'd left it there right as I stopped at a stop sign and heard it spill all over my backseat. Soon after the tears of frustration and anger had cleared, I realized how much energy I'm putting into things that make so little of a difference. I know that I'll probably be dead by 50 from all the garbage I'm eating right now. It keeps me going and makes me happy. So what if ice cream and In-n-Out make up 3/4 of my diet? At the end of the day, does it really matter that all I've eaten is hamburgers? No. It does matter that I've had the energy (from the hamburgers) to love on others and to build them up. Does it matter that my car interior now has a lovely pink tint to it? Not really. I like pink. Does it matter that I won't have the GPA I thought I needed (and probably do need)? Well, we'll see, but in the end it doesn't even begin to touch the identity I've been given in Christ and the fullness of life He gives.
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