For the past few years I've been rather free in sharing my frustration with a few friends, who once they started classes managed to no longer pick up the phone, respond to e-mail or in other ways communicate. If you were one I gave a hard time, I owe you my most sincere apologies, so here goes. Sorry! I now understand your point of view. It takes me days to respond to text messages that involve more than 3 words. I don't use e-mail other than to find out answers to problem set questions I simply cannot solve, and 30-second voicemails take 30 seconds I'm not ready to sacrifice. I'd rather leave the growing number circled in red on my handy dandy new phone.
When I enrolled in classes for this fall quarter I knew I was setting myself up for a challege. Quite a few wise souls gently (and not so gently) warned me against what I had done, and I arrogantly proclaimed that I'd never met a challenge I couldn't beat. Ha. While that last statement may still be true, I definately should have listened. Now, instead of having weekly phone dates with friends far away and unpacking boxes with friends closeby, I'm a slave to flashcards and highlighters. My weekends have become consumed with study groups, library visits and running as many errands at midnight as I possibly can as to avoid crowds. Sleep is a luxury, and the average number of times I hit snooze in a morning between two alarm clocks and my phone is 8. I knew my commitment would take over my life, I just had no idea what that would actually look like. I've tried to maneuver a schedule in which I could take fewer classes (mostly failed), work one job (failed) or not work at all (totally failed). I've tried micromanaging my time so that every minute is planned, but as soon as I get hungry my plan is foiled. (PS, I'm blogging while at work as to not waste precious seconds of studying time. Pathetic, I know.)
I keep telling myself that this will be worth it in the end (because I know it will be), but the voice in the back of my head keeps whispering that there are better, more kingdom-serving things I should be doing. I want to be volunteering with HSM, but by the time I get to Wednesday nights I'm pretty much useless. Sunday mornings have become my one morning to catch up on sleep, meaning church sometimes becomes an afterthought. What happened to the point in life where everything was focused around directly serving others? All this studying is indirectly serving, but something still seems off.
Sooner or later this phase will come to an end, right? The homework will cease, the midterms will disappear, and the fog will part on my future. Oh, I wish it was that simple!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Life to the Fullest
My life is full right now. So full, in fact, that I went to bed before midnight for the first time in three weeks last night, but that was mostly because I couldn't bring myself to turn one more page or create one more flashcard. I started my quarter of crazy on September 23, and as you can most likely discern from the lack of postings here, I've been quite busy. Some Thursdays I drive from one work to school before working again at night. I haven't had a day completely off since the beginning of September, and photographs of me without a can of Coke or cup of coffee in my hand simply no longer exist.
Yesterday I had one of my first midterms of the quarter. It didn't go quite as well as expected. I spent the majority of the week before as well as the entire weekend studying to no avail. When I semi-confidently waltzed into my testing period, I knew I wouldn't be getting the best grade in the class but I figured I would at least feel confident walking out. Not so much. As I turned from one page to the next I felt my heart sinking. Total questions I knew the answers to: 5. Total possible questions: 50. My heart sank. Between the stress of my chaotic schedule and the pressure I've put on myself knowing I need to succeed at this, I was in tears by the time I trudged out of the classroom. This midterm was in a class I've taken before and therefore should have aced.
As I got into my car I managed to spill strawberry smoothie onto my floormat. Attempting to clean it up, I placed the mostly full smoothie on my center console so it wouldn't spill. Too bad I forgot I'd left it there right as I stopped at a stop sign and heard it spill all over my backseat. Soon after the tears of frustration and anger had cleared, I realized how much energy I'm putting into things that make so little of a difference. I know that I'll probably be dead by 50 from all the garbage I'm eating right now. It keeps me going and makes me happy. So what if ice cream and In-n-Out make up 3/4 of my diet? At the end of the day, does it really matter that all I've eaten is hamburgers? No. It does matter that I've had the energy (from the hamburgers) to love on others and to build them up. Does it matter that my car interior now has a lovely pink tint to it? Not really. I like pink. Does it matter that I won't have the GPA I thought I needed (and probably do need)? Well, we'll see, but in the end it doesn't even begin to touch the identity I've been given in Christ and the fullness of life He gives.
Yesterday I had one of my first midterms of the quarter. It didn't go quite as well as expected. I spent the majority of the week before as well as the entire weekend studying to no avail. When I semi-confidently waltzed into my testing period, I knew I wouldn't be getting the best grade in the class but I figured I would at least feel confident walking out. Not so much. As I turned from one page to the next I felt my heart sinking. Total questions I knew the answers to: 5. Total possible questions: 50. My heart sank. Between the stress of my chaotic schedule and the pressure I've put on myself knowing I need to succeed at this, I was in tears by the time I trudged out of the classroom. This midterm was in a class I've taken before and therefore should have aced.
As I got into my car I managed to spill strawberry smoothie onto my floormat. Attempting to clean it up, I placed the mostly full smoothie on my center console so it wouldn't spill. Too bad I forgot I'd left it there right as I stopped at a stop sign and heard it spill all over my backseat. Soon after the tears of frustration and anger had cleared, I realized how much energy I'm putting into things that make so little of a difference. I know that I'll probably be dead by 50 from all the garbage I'm eating right now. It keeps me going and makes me happy. So what if ice cream and In-n-Out make up 3/4 of my diet? At the end of the day, does it really matter that all I've eaten is hamburgers? No. It does matter that I've had the energy (from the hamburgers) to love on others and to build them up. Does it matter that my car interior now has a lovely pink tint to it? Not really. I like pink. Does it matter that I won't have the GPA I thought I needed (and probably do need)? Well, we'll see, but in the end it doesn't even begin to touch the identity I've been given in Christ and the fullness of life He gives.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)