Forgiveness

While interning at CPC I was forced into giving a sermon for our high school students. I debated for months on what to speak about, but when push came to shove I was handed the book of Philemon. It's only got one chapter, and is actually a somewhat short letter to a dude named Philemon from Paul. The main point of the letter was that Paul was trying to convince Philemon to forgive his old slave for running away. At the time, I was pretty much the worst public speaker around, and I was also pretty confident that I knew what forgiveness was and had done all the forgiving I needed to do for the time being. Apparently not.

See, I went to lunch with an amazing friend and mentor yesterday. We spent almost three and a half hours talking and thinking and discussing. One of the things I love most about having older, wiser women in my life is they can often see me growing in ways that I cannot. The also tend to be able to see my flaws more easily than I can, which is rather scary. This friend in particular called me on the fact that I have yet to forgive myself. She was discussing it in regards to certain events in my life within the last year, but once she spoke truth I realized that it's been years since I truly have forgiven myself for mistakes I've made. I like to think I have a gift of waking up with forgiveness. Some people wake up happy, some people wake up pretty, and I wake up with forgiveness in my heart. As much as I try to not let the sun set on my anger, I've found that nothing can calm my temper and readjust my perspective like sleep. Because of this, I seem to be decently ok at forgiving other people. I often do it without realizing I have, and rarely do I have to make a conscious effort to forgive. Until now.

I have to forgive myself. I'm a screw up, and I can't keep thinking of myself that way. I've made mistakes and I know that God and everyone involved has forgiven me already, that is, everyone except myself. I haven't forgiven myself for not noticing things I should have, or for intentionally doing things I knew I should run far away from, or for letting opportunities pass me by. Instead, I chalk them up as mistakes that I don't want to repeat and I avoid them like the plague. I never let go of my mistakes and I most certainly never give myself a chance to move on.

Well, here goes nothing. I would love your prayers as I try something new: giving myself the forgiveness I've given to everyone around me. It's time for me to seize the forgiveness that Christ has given me and it's time to walk in freedom.