I am a selfish bitch.

Now that I've gotten it out on the table, please let me clarify. Let's start at the end. I am really opinionated. Duh. You'd be hard pressed to find someone who isn't this way. Unfortunately, you'd be just as hard pressed to find someone I haven't tried to force my opinion on. You see, I'm right. And not just some of the time. Every single word that comes out of my mouth (or in this case, fingers) is like dewdrops of knowledge from heaven. Right? Ok, seriously. We ALL know this is nowhere near true. But most of the time I definately live this way. People tend not to see this as a benefical characteristic, and because I'm a woman I generally earn the title of "bitch". Since we've all gotten over me swearing, let's move onto the selfish part.

I like me. Well, only kind of. I definately like my thoughts and dreams. If you don't listen to my opinons you're in for a verbal lashing, just ask anyone who dares not to listen. There was a time not too long ago where I rarely shared my opinions, mostly out of fear that no one wanted to hear what I had to say. I realized today that I've now turned into the opposite. I'm too busy telling everyone what they need to hear that I can't hear anyone. I'm so concerned about being listened to that I've forgotten to listen. Hense, "selfish". Me first. Listen to me before I'll ever listen to you. Love me before I'll ever love you. Serve me before I'll ever serve you. Funny thing is I was just nagging Danny a few weeks ago about his heart for missions. It's not exactly something he's focused on, which is ok. I have my areas that need growth too. But the words that came out of my mouth were from Romans 5:8. Christ died for me before I was a twinkling in my father's eye, before I could do anything in return. What a statement. UNSELFISH love. I've got so far to go...

Anyways, I'm working on no longer being selfish or a bitch. If I seem more quiet than ususal, it's because I'm biting my tongue. Give me a popsicle or offer me some ice cream. Most likely this will be a really painful process for me. But most of all, please encourage me when I succeed and pray for me either way.

Thanks,
The hopefully-no-longer selfish bitch

Benefit of the Doubt, Gossip, and Smacking People

Gossip is the bane of my existence. To say I hate gossip is to make an extremely large understatement. I avoid gossip like one avoids MRSA (pronouced "mersa", an extremely communicable disease that doesn't go away very easily) or the plague. My entire life I've abandoned close friends for hints of gossip simply to avoid the frustration and pain. If you gossip to me, I assume you gossip about me to someone else. This past week has been my own dip in gossip, this time with the victim being me. I think I'm so mad about it because I can't leave the persecutor in the dust. I have to just sit and take it.

See, someone apparently had a very small problem with me. I'm used to this taking place because I tend to be rather opinionated and pig-headed. The two tend to coexist. Anyways, long story short, instead of dealing with the issue at hand, said person told someone who told someone who told someone and then someone else got involved and then another person joined...you get the picture. Now I'm suddenly the black sheep because I refused to handle the situation the way everyone wanted it to be handled, and NO ONE gave me the benefit of the doubt. I specifically decided to handle the rumors one way, but after 3 days and 6 people telling me I should handle it differently, I caved. How stupid. Now literally everyone is or was mad at me. (Side note: I'm preaching on Daniel 1 this Sunday, which is, ironically, on standing up for what you believe is right. Figures.) Then because I was so hurt, the rest of my choices seemed only to go uphill. At least, that is, until I smacked someone I love over the head. Granted, I was provoked, but I still did it. I was stupid and I let my emotions get the best of me. I still did it though. Four words: I accept full responsibility.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could see how much we are hurting others by our words? My mom advised me to run away from the people who are hurting me. Funny thing is that I don't see that as a choice. And for some reason, it feels like this is me turning the other cheek. I wish that "forgive and forget" worked for me -- instead I feel like I won't trust this person for a long time. It's not that I can't forgive, it's just that I'm tired of being the moron who gets walked over again and again. I'm going to stand up for what I believe in: the Creator of the Universe does not desire for his beloved child to be treated the way I was, nor does He desire for me to act the way I did. What have I learned? Just because one is older or more mature does not in any way mean they know how to properly handle any situation. Also, I've figured out that I have a pretty good sense of what I should do, and I need to stick to my own intuitions rather than caving under pressure.